Home for the Holidays: A Very Merry Fiasco Playset

Written by Megan Pedersen

“As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

- “Turkeys Away”, WKRP in Cincinnati
All you wanted to do was spend some time with the family, eat a little too much turkey and enjoy some time away from the office. Too bad you’re the only one on board with that plan. The holiday season is a special kind of Hell on Earth, spruced up with sparkly lights and tinsel. Good luck making it all the way to New Year’s Day.

Movie Night: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, Bad Santa, A Christmas Story, It’s a Wonderful Life, Scrooged

RELATIONSHIPS:

1: FAMILY
1. Grandparent and grandchild
2. Siblings
3. Cousins
4. Parent and child
5. Distant relatives
6. “There’s still no proof, but that kid is probably yours.”

2: WORK
1. Boss and assistant
2. Soldiers, home on leave
3. Part-time seasonal help at the Gap
4. The hottest song and dance act in town
5. Secret Santa participants
6. Receptionist and delivery boy/girl

3: FRIENDSHIP
1. Childhood friends
2. Next door neighbors
3. Drinking buddies
4. Fair-weather friends
5. Friends ‘til the bitter end
6. Manipulator and victim

4: ROMANCE
1. One night stand
2. Can’t stand each other, but are actually soulmates
3. Newlyweds
4. Estranged spouses
5. “I never liked a girl well enough to give her twelve sharp knives.”
6. Rivals for the love of the girl/boy next door

5: CRIME
1. Escaped convicts
2. International terrorists
3. Small time crooks
4. Con man and mark
5. Slumlord and tenant
6. Armed and dangerous

6: ‘TIS THE SEASON
1. Bell ringers for the Salvation Army
2. Shopping mall Santa and elf
3. A guardian angel and the sad sack they protect
4. Carolers gone wassailing
5. Organizers of the office holiday party “Ugly Sweater Contest”
6. Wise men in the local Christmas pageant

NEEDS:

1: TO GET LAID…
1. …by your estranged spouse, for saving the day.
2. …by Santa (the real one or an impersonation)
3. …by the one you’ve carried a torch for all these years.
4. …by an old flame, to rekindle the romance.
5. …by anyone, anywhere, at any time.
6. …by your significant other, in your parent’s bed.

2: TO GET REVENGE…
1. … on the Homeowner’s Association, for shutting down your festive lawn decorations.
2. …on everyone, for the indignities you’ve suffered.
3. …on a certain someone, with the incriminating evidence you’ve gathered.
4. …on a local celebrity, for hogging the spotlight.
5. …on your meddling family, for messing up your life.
6. …on your boss, for not giving you a holiday bonus.

3: TO GET RESPECT…
1. … from an emotionally distant parent.
2. … by delivering on a promise.
3. … by foiling the crime.
4. … for your selfless acts of charity.
5. … by admitting your mistake.
6. … for having the most amazing holiday decorations on the whole damn block.

4: TO GET OUT…
1. … of town, before they catch you for what you’ve done.
2. … of town, before the blizzard hits.
3. … of spending time with your horrible family.
4. … of tremendous debt.
5. … of a favor owed.
6. … of hosting the holiday gathering again this year.

5: TO GET RICH…
1. …by stealing everything that’s not nailed down.
2. …by marrying into a wealthy family.
3. …by tricking someone who trusts you.
4. …by conning old people at the Pine Valley Retirement Home.
5. …by being the last one standing when the dust settles.
6. …by recording this year’s chart topping holiday song.

6: TO GET THE TRUTH…
1. … about their real identity.
2. … about someone’s infidelity.
3. … about who your real friends are.
4. … about whether they love you as much as you love them.
5. … about what happened on that fateful day in 1975.
6. … about your family’s dark and guarded secret.

OBJECTS:

1: WEAPONS
1. A carving knife
2. Broken glass, scattered on the floor
3. A Red Ryder BB gun
4. C4 explosives with detonators
5. “The bitch hit me with a toaster!”
6. A sawed off shotgun

2: VALUABLES
1. $8,000 wrapped in a newspaper
2. A silver bracelet hidden in a coat pocket
3. A storage container filled with this season’s hot new toy
4. A secret stash of Walmart gift cards
5. The key to the family liquor cabinet
6. The true meaning of Kwanzaa

3: UNSAVORY
1. Mice with reindeer antlers glued to their heads
2. Yellow snow
3. Pink bunny footie pajamas
4. A re-gifted fruitcake
5. A used condom
6. Naked pictures of a family member (from the past or recent)

4: TRANSPORTATION
1. An ambulance
2. A getaway car
3. A stretch limousine
4. A wood-paneled station wagon
5. A train headed to Pine Tree, Vermont
6. A Hansom cab drawn by a bad tempered horse

5: SENTIMENTAL
1. A table lamp shaped like a woman’s leg
2. A picture of your family made out of macaroni and glitter
3. A set of jeweled combs
4. A gold watch chain
5. An urn containing the ashes of a beloved pet
6. A toy train set handed down through the generations

6: SEASONAL
1. A sprig of mistletoe, hung in an unfortunate place
2. A live turkey
3. A Santa Claus suit, reeking of gin
4. A tiny menorah lit by birthday candles
5. A perfectly wrapped gift, delivered to your doorstep, addressed to someone else.
6. A matching set of light-up snowman lawn ornaments

LOCATIONS:

1: AT HOME
1. At the dining table
2. Up on the rooftop
3. In your childhood bedroom
4. In the basement rec room
5. In the driveway
6. In the attic

2: IN TOWN
1. A Stitch In Time, an old antique shop
2. Bo Ling’s, a Chinese restaurant
3. The 1st Savings & Loan Building
4. The Carousel Club, a posh nightclub
5. Crazy Larry’s Christmas Tree Emporium
6. The Pine Ridge Community Church

3: AT THE SHOPPING MALL
1. Waiting in line to get a picture taken with Santa
2. The parking lot
3. The food court
4. A department store dressing room
5. On a bench outside the Gap
6. The complimentary gift wrap kiosk

4: OUTSIDE
1. The skating rink (natural or manmade)
2. In the deep woods
3. On a snow covered sledding hill
4. At a rest stop off Highway 41
5. On the tarmac of a deserted airport
6. On a ski lift

5: ON TELEVISION
1. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
2. The annual holiday football game
3. Times Square, waiting for the Ball to drop
4. A live Christmas Eve broadcast of The Christmas Carol
5. The lighting of the Pine Ridge Community Christmas Tree
6. The Channel 13 PBS Holiday Pledge Drive Telethon

6: AT THE HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY
1. At the punch bowl
2. In the copier room
3. In the coat closet
4. In the stairwell
5. At the front door
6. In the CEO’s office